A third common defensive reaction that is very closely linked to the polarized response is to become involved in illogical thinking, making up reasons for the child's behavior, subscribing to a theory that relieves the parent of responsibility. For example, a parent may have seen a program on TV or read an article that talked about something odd in the water or food chain. Latching on to this issue, a parent can then attribute the child's behavior to that arbitrary factor and cling to it, even though there may be no evidence that it is affecting children in this way. Many parents of children with special needs of any kind are understandably anxious and so eager to search for a remedy that they can become fixed on a single explanation instead of looking at the complexity of factors.
Rather than trying to help the child learn to set limits, focus, or calm down, or trying to improve family dynamics, parents may overfocus on a single cause, which could be food additives, the school environment, or even the content of TV shows the child watches. Problems With ADD
Blaming the Other Adult
ln addition to illogical or polarized thinking or lashing back at the child, another common response is to focus on another "culprit" in the family. Who does the child take after? Is it Daddy, Mommy, Grandma? When a child shows problems, it's very easy for the adults in the family to blame one another. Then we have additional family tension and conflict - sometimes a lot of arguing, even fighting.
Parents of children with special needs have a hard time hanging in there together and working out their problems. You'll frequently hear one spouse say that the other spouse is so preoccupied with the child who needs special care that they or the other children aren't getting any attention. Sometimes this is never expressed outright, but the underlying tension leads to more accusations and criticisms of one another. Fathers have confided in me that they feel unnurtured and unloved, but they haven't shared this with their wives. Instead, they criticize their wives for not being good-enough mothers.
This is unfortunate because often the mother is trying valiantly and needs more support herself. She may confide in me that she feels unappreciated and criticized, which only adds to her burden. A mother can also make the father feel like the "bad daddy," that he's never doing enough. If only he were earning more money ... If only he were home more with the children ... If only he played better with the kids. So both parents feel micromanaged and criticized and unloved, and there is very little intimacy between the two of them. Neither of them deals with the concerns directly, and both take it out on each other.
We can have these same conflicts between two generations - grandparents and parents. Often, parents of an out-of-control child feel that their own parents blame the problems on their parenting. Single mothers or fathers may feel even more isolated. They may feel that their friends or their relatives don't understand the complexity of the problem.
As we said, these tensions and conflicts or different types of "acting out" on the part of the family members contribute further to the child's difficulties. Whatever form this takes, whether it's aggression, distractibility, or self-absorption, the child's problems will only become worse. In such an environment, it becomes more difficult to implement the type of comprehensive program we have been describing. An effective program requires the family to work together, working off the same page with a concerted approach. They can each have their different tasks and skills: Father can work on outdoor games and motor exercises, and Mother can work on sequencing and planning, or a grandparent can work on still others. Older siblings or other relatives can help.
But everybody needs to be working together as part of a team, not as individuals in a disgruntled group who are criticizing one another or causing more tensions. It is all too easy for the child's problems to precipitate conflicts in the caregivers, which then cycles back, and a vicious cycle may start where a child's problems become worse and worse. Therefore, our approach is to work at all levels - at the caregiver-child level, at the family-dynamic level, and bringing professionals or part of the extended family into the pattern when appropriate and relevant. Problems With ADD
Teachers
Before getting into some steps that parents and other caregivers can take, let me comment that the same dynamics I have described for families also confront educators. A teacher is very likely to feel like a caregiver or a parent. Other teachers can come into the room and say, "What's the matter? Why can't you keep your class under control?" If there are two or three children with ADHD or ADD-type patterns in the class, it can very easily appear to others that this is a teacher who is not organizing her class well, who does not have her class under control.
She may get a look or a comment from another teacher or the principal: "You need to be tougher. You need to show the children who is boss. The teacher can feel all the things that a parent feels and needs support in the same way. We have to help teachers do a good job for these children. The steps that we recommend for the family can help teachers as well. To learn more, you can check out Problems With ADD.
